Renewable Energy Breakthrough Set To Take World By Storm
A very mooving image.
Bent over by humanity and buggered to within an inch of its life, Earth has been frantically trying to warn us of its impending prolapse for years.
Yet, fingers wedged firmly in ears, face contorted in our global vinegar strokes, we simply carry on pumping away, happy to turn a blind eye to the inevitable apocalypse just so long as we don’t have to walk 400 metres to pick our kids up from school.
Determined to curb our suicidal tendencies and start listening to mother earth, a rogue counterculture has developed. With organic food as their beacon for hope, these brave souls spend countless hours composting avocado stones in preparation of the revolution.
Delila Pissgribbler is one of their well-intentioned ranks. She has made what has been described as the single greatest discovery since a spotty teenager in ill-advised shorts absent-mindedly tapped 58008 into his calculator while piss-bored in double maths, turned it upside down, and immediately ejaculated in his Batman y-fronts.
It all started when she was baking some high-protein ancient-grain gluten and dairy-free vegan breakfast muffins in the Aga. From the delightful backdrop of her biodynamic east London allotment, an evidently excited Mrs. Pissgribbler explained.
“I was feeling particularly pleased with myself as I noticed how fluffily they’d turned out, when the long life eco bulb attached to the recycled cutlery drainer light fixture inexplicably flickered into life.”
Puzzled, she went back to twatting around until she received a text complementing her new haircut, and the light flickered once again. In that moment, she realised she may well have just made a discovery to grab us all by our collective goolies and wrench us back from the precipice.
“It struck me like a turd out of the monkey enclosure. Here it was. The veritable Holy Grail of the scientific community; an inexhaustible supply of green energy. Smugness.”
The pure joy of the discovery sent Miss. Pissgribbler into a state of such self-satisfaction that a massive power surge prompted the bulb to burst into smithereens, blinding her cat Smudge in one eye and provoking her next-door neighbours’ elderly dog Gremlin to soil itself with fear and cause irreparable damage to their priceless new Persian rug.
After a period of intensive development, she has finally come up with a practical way to channel this remarkable new energy, creating a prototype self-driving car powered by the owner’s own sense of superiority over others. Although she’s been met with stiff criticism from cunts in the fossil fuel industry, calling her plans wildly overambitious and unobtainable, Miss. Pissgribbler remains defiant.
“What you’ve got to understand is quite how smug these kinds of people are capable of feeling. Such remorselessly unyielding self-satisfaction that it would simply be impossible to bleed it dry. Even the briefest of references to their wokeness would generate sufficient energy to power 7 craft-ale microbreweries for a week, with enough going spare to comfortably blend a few litres of kale and blueberry supersmoothie.”
The vehicle works by creating a feedback loop between engine and passenger. The initial burst of smugness sets the engine off, and as they gather speed, their own sense of self-satisfaction at driving the eco-friendly car continuously replenishes the battery charge. The only waste product is the inevitable relentless stream of hot air from the driver.
If all goes to plan, these developments will lead to a complete overhaul in the motoring industry, with fuel efficiency soon being measured in miles per boast. Petrol stations will become a thing of the past, drivers instead simply pulling over to be complimented on how eco-friendly the car is, before pootling off in to the distance happier than a pig in shit.
