Royal Baby in Mix-Up
Set for a cushdy life.
This year (2018) looked set to be heading for a Royal extravaganza. First, we lucky subjects were thrilled by news that hereditary millionaire and all-round man of the people Prince Harry was to wed in an ill-advised sequel to the Wallis Simpson debacle. Having fallen for the ethnically ambiguous American starlet Meghan Markle, in an act that won the hearts of our transatlantic cousins, as well as holders of shares in the bunting industry, he caused the greatest simultaneous release of “Awwww” reactions in human history by proposing the she join him in another attempt at life-long matrimony.
Yet, there was more to come. How we roared with patriotic fervour during the Queen’s birthday celebrations, a nostalgic, whistle-stop, musical tour through the endless decades of her thronal belligerence. The Queen sat with total indifference in the Royal Box, doing a passable impression of her own ghost, but for a fleeting foot tap during the George Formby ensemble, as she reflected on the last time the world made any sense to her. It looked like it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back as she was forced face to face with her own diabolical colonial legacy in the guise of a Shaggy and Sting collaboration, until things were hurried along to an enchanting crescendo as a befuddled Tom Jones hoped beyond hope that he didn’t turn out to once again be performing in his living-room to an audience entirely consisting of his cat.
As if this were not enough, the Great British public were soon flinging around their own excrement with glee at the very welcome news of a new royal baby, an event so rare it has only happened three times in the past four years.
But sadly, for all involved, this was the moment when a year that had promised so much began to turn sour. Due to an unfortunate oversight in administrative procedure, the as yet unnamed sack of flesh, and fifth in line to the throne, found that his womb disembarkation documents had accidentally been shredded by an overzealous, albeit apologetic, intern. Despite royal blood and having been observed being birthed only hours earlier, without the paperwork as proof of his existence as a British royal baby, the regrettable decision was made that there was no option other than to deport him back to his country of origin, Germany.
The decision has angered many, with the Daily Express offices vaporising in a cloud of their own fury, but, in the end, it was decided there would be no more fitting British tribute than making a total pig’s ear of something and then botching up any further attempt to salvage it.
Hopes have now turned to our royal friends Harry and Meghan to produce an acceptably brown heir, thereby helping drag the royal family kicking and screaming into the 1990’s.
