You May Now Kiss Your Pride
Cor you’re gorgeous you are.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have a constant nagging presence in their life, judging their every move and treating them with disdain. Some of us are single.
Valentine’s Day has always provided the perfect opportunity for couples to laud it over their unattached counterparts. Chewing gingerly on overpriced steak in the warmth of their hastily booked, poorly reviewed Italian restaurants they sneer down their noses in superiority at a lonely stranger, hurrying home to an evening of masturbation lubricated by their own tears of solitude.
But as society has begun to shun the value of others and individuality has become de rigeur, many people now choose to be single and avoid having to do things they don’t want to all the time.
This Valentine’s saw an explosion in the peculiar new phenomenon of masturdating. The elegantly chosen moniker perfectly encapsulates the practice. Whether it’s a glamorous meal for one at Wimpy, or a moonlit walk around the industrial estate that smells of bin juice, masturdating frees you to elope on solitary romantic getaways and fulfil your own darkest sexual desires.
The Great British public can’t seem to agree on what to make of this misanthropic pursuit. Many described the idea as literally a pile of toss, but some seemed captivated by the possibilities.
Helen Back, a secretary from Billericay and mother of 17, said “I like the idea but I don’t need none of this fancy romancey stuff. Give me a bottle of Lambrini and a 15-inch vein-riddled dildo sellotaped to a cardboard cut-out of Channing Tatum and I’ll be right as rain.”
Gazing wistfully into the distance and speaking in breathy undertones, Barry Sackrider said, apparently to himself, “Yes I can see it now. The golden sand. The waves lapping at my toes. The pop of the champagne cork. Unburdening myself of clothes and frolicking naked in the balmy Aegean waters. Then home to a night of passion. Sheer unadulterated bliss. Mmmm.” Before proceeding to rub his hands vigorously against his thighs and run away with determined purpose saliva dripping from his jowls as he went.
Paul Mycock, who upcycles prams, converting them for the use of Kensington’s pampered pooches, thinks it’s high time people joined him in practising shameless self-love and reaped the benefits.
“I received a beautiful Valentine’s card from myself this morning actually. Hand-made of course. Only the best for me. A wonderful little ditty inside: Roses are red, violets are blue, grab hold of that penis, and turn those balls blue. Damn well moved me to tears I’m not ashamed to admit.”
Paul has been practicing Yoga since the age of 5 and has recently managed to fit the tip of his own penis into his mouth, which he believes is the final piece of the puzzle.
“I’ve never really had time for anyone else because quite frankly they’re all parasitic cock-teases with the intellectual capacity of a soiled dish-towel, though I’ve always yearned for the spine-tingling pleasure of feeling a moist pair of lips clamped around my glans. But no longer!”
Not everyone is content with indulging in a mere egomaniacal fling, some people have chosen to show the ultimate commitment and marry themselves.
Nina O’Nanist is committed to a lifetime of sonogomy. She recently wed herself in a beautiful lakeside ceremony attended by fellow inmates of Hazyview maximum security insane asylum and her imaginary barn owl The Hootster acting as ringbearer.
Nina’s relationship has not been without its hiccups though, “I must say I had quite the falling out with myself over the choice of cutlery. I refused to speak to myself for 3 months. Honestly though, sporks at a wedding. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. So horribly unrefined. I may as well have just dumped a load of turkey twizzlers in a pig trough and told the guests to plunge their heads right in.”
It remains to be seen how successfully these relationships pan out, with many experts predicting an inevitable spate of divorces as people are forced into realising the true magnitude of their own deficiencies.
