White Dog Turds Declared Extinct
News struck the canine community hard.
A recent five-year study has come to the devastating conclusion that white dog turds are now officially extinct in the British Isles. Many of us have fond memories of stumbling across these faecal treasures as children, poking at them excitedly with sticks and watching them crumble to dust, but sadly future generations will be robbed of this unbridled joy.
Lead researcher, Perry Merryweather stated “We couldn’t have conducted this research more thoroughly. We scoured their traditional habitats, alleyways and parks that were previously packed to the rafters with the stuff, but simply could not find any evidence of the chalky remnants.”
The finger of blame has been pointed squarely in the direction of the rise in conscientious dog ownership. Whilst dog owners were previously free to allow their furry friends to defecate at will and leave it there as a kind of stench-ridden monument, recent rule changes, particularly with regards to fiscal penalties, have dramatically altered this behaviour.
Alan Poo, Professor of Excrement at Derby University explained, “The conditions required to create this fabulous phenomenon need to be just right. First, we need a canine to oblige by pinching out a nice solid pile in an area unlikely to be disturbed. Then the really interesting bit begins. As the organic matter evaporates through the action of the sun, the beautiful calcite husk is eventually revealed. I like to think of it as a kind of shitty metamorphosis.”
In modern Britain, the site of dog owners gingerly teasing a fresh pile of excreta into a flimsy plastic bags, nose crinkled in disgust, has become ten a penny. This has had an inevitably disastrous impact.
“The turds are simply not being given time to show their true colours. Without a change in policy, I’m sorry to say we are unlikely to ever see these wonderful ghostly apparitions again,” sobbed an inconsolable Professor Poo.
Recent years have seen a sharp decline in nature across the country and this represents another significant loss for the supposedly Great Britain.
