F1 to Dramatically Alter Format

Two sources of foul emissions meet.

Last night, hilariously diminutive squillionaire Bernie Ecclestone announced wholesale changes to the F1 format that will come into force as early as the 2020 season.

Previously, drivers were expected to navigate around tracks across a variety of countries with the aim of finishing the race in as high a position as possible, whilst simultaneously not killing themselves.

Unbeknownst to the vast majority of those involved in the ‘sport’, secret research has been taking place to try and determine the core reason for its appeal.

Researcher Amy Umbrage explains, “We looked in great detail at the processes taking place in F1, both from the drivers’ perspectives and also from that of the fans. Having analysed millions of data points, we came to the overwhelming conclusion that F1 is in fact simply a case of trying to prove who has the biggest penis.”

Acting on the conclusions of this research Bernie Ecclestone hopes to revamp what some have called a dying ‘sport’ in order to safeguard it for future generations.

Last night, he stated, “We want to make sure we deliver the highest quality entertainment possible to our fans which is why we have listened carefully to what the research told us. It gives me great pleasure to inform you therefore that as of 2020, instead of driving cars round and round in a circle for hours on end, drivers will simply be required to take out their willies to be measured. The largest will then be declared the winner and we can all go home and get on with our lives.”

Speculation over the nature of these penile appraisals is rife however, with many pointing out it is not all about length and that girth should also be a consideration. The most likely compromise would involve the computation of several factors, taking into account aesthetics, and arriving at an overall penile ratio product coefficient.

Whatever the system used, critics pointed out that this would cause a monotonous pattern to the placing, whilst others pointed out that it would therefore be exactly the same as it currently is.

Lewis Hamilton has expressed deep concern and is expected to leave the F1 family with immediate effect, though refused to be drawn into specifically clarifying the reasons behind his decision.