Adult Toys Taken to New Level
You didn’t really think you’d get a naughty picture here did you you filthy little pickle?
The adult toy market may be considered saturated by some, with simply no more holes left to be filled. But, now a new offering claims to have found one that hasn’t been – the ear.
Sweet Nothings has been several years in the making, and delayed several times because of their exhaustive, not to mention exhausting, research and development program. The end result – a product they claim creates an interesting new way to inject some pleasure into ladies’ lives.
Marianne Pfister explains, “Most adult toys are aimed purely at sexual satisfaction and are therefore largely bought by people who aren’t getting any. Probably because they are physically abhorrent, or possibly because they are a just a truly terrible person. What we’ve done is create a product that broadens the appeal to not just undesirables, but also people who already spend their lives batting cock away with a shitty stick.”
Adult toys became extremely popular when it was finally acknowledged that the vast majority of men had absolutely no idea how to pleasure a woman. Despite astonishing sales figures – there are 17.3 adult toys per woman in the UK – the industry has been criticised for being too one dimensional.
Overpaid marketing guru, Martin Scam, claims Sweet Nothings adds a whole new dimension, “This product is designed to go beyond sexual gratification and ensures the fulfilment of all women’s needs, thereby empowering them to be everything they can be, whether that’s a housewife, nurse or whatever.”
Offering an attractive ergonomic design, it fits discreetly into even the most misshapen aural orifice. Once in place, it senses when women are feeling down and is triggered, just as the name suggests, to whisper sweet nothings into their ear.
It comes pre-programmed with a selection of soothing snippets, chosen through rigorous testing, such as ‘Oi oiiiiiiii, get a load of the tits on that’, and ‘I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting.’ Though it does have a function to record and add your own personal favourites.
“We chose these because the research showed that more than anything women like to be complemented on their appearance in an aggressive tone that objectifies them, leaving them literally floating along in a bubble of self-confidence. Personally speaking, it really makes me feel appreciated.” cooed Miss. Pfister.
This is a massive breakthrough as women will no longer have to rely on a nearby scaffolder or passing white van to give them that confidence boost they so desperately need.
