Liam Neeson Named Head of UK Counter-Terror Operations
Neeson being either gormless or drunk. Unclear.
In a controversial move, last night British officials appointed Liam Neeson as the new head of the UK’s counter-terrorism efforts.
“The UK is among the most forward-thinking nation when it comes to terrorism policy and this is a further reflection of our innovative vision for a country where no one dares to even so much as think any differently to the government,” waffled security big-wig Marilyn von Munchausen. “In this day and age, of course, we are all scared and he is the ideal figure to make us feel safe, cradling the nation softly in his muscular arms, whilst simultaneously vaporising terrorist’s brains with a 9mm Glock. No hesitation, no hint of remorse, and hopefully a pithy line or two to lift our collective spirits.”
Apparently having not embarrassed herself enough, she continued, “We sat through the entire back catalogue of Neeson’s films and were impressed by his uncompromising attitude and dedication to see the job through. Plus, let’s be honest, he’s rather dishy for an older chap.”
Many have raised concerns about his suitability for the role, what with having no relevant qualifications whatsoever, but this doesn’t worry Mrs. von Munchausen. “There are plenty of examples of this kind of career change working well. Just look at Donald Trump and the roaring success he’s been. Mr. Neeson may be an actor, but in the end, aren’t we all just actors on this stage called life?”
The interview process had initially got off to an awkward start with Neeson wrongly assuming he was auditioning for a movie and proceeding to knock-out a delightful rendition of ‘Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows’ accompanied by an exquisitely choreographed tap routine.
Thinking quickly, the interview panel realised that the misunderstanding offered the perfect opportunity, “We decided to run with the movie theme so as not to cause him any undue stress, and if the nation could play along, that would be very helpful. He thinks we are making the highest budget and most ambitious action movie ever conceived.”
When asked to comment on his appointment Neeson replied with the simple yet chilling statement, “I will find them. And I will kill them.”.
Details were sketchy as to when he will start his new role though, as he is currently recording a voice part for the latest Disney Pixar flick ‘Baa’, the tale of a disabled sheep embarking on a life-changing journey with his guard tortoise Barry.
