Black Friday Caught Up in Race Row
Buy buy buy, sell sell sell, it’s what keeps this wonderful capitalist world turning.
Black Friday has become a regular feature in recent years, returning annually with all the welcome of a particularly tricky fungal infection, and spreading capitalist fever across the British Isles since being spawned into the US, directly from the jaws of hell.
Designed to prey on the average joes misplaced belief that the accumulation of material things will help alleviate them from their soulless drudgery, it has become increasingly popular as people desperately search for a way to distract themselves from the dystopian nightmare of modern life.
In a recent poll asking people to list their favourite things about Black Friday: ‘Giving the metaphorical middle-finger to their poxy neighbours’ came out top, closely followed by ‘Buying things to look important in the eyes of others’.
Black Friday is no stranger to controversy. Since its inception, 412,369 people have died in directly-related violence, with the Great Stampede of 2015 proving the deadliest single event, 417 souls perishing, crushed to death by a collapsing toaster display. The latest incident to grab the headlines saw Duncan Doughnuts tragically lose his life in a fight over a Henry the Hoover when the attachment was forced into his anus and his insides vacuumed out.
Not content with wreaking death and destruction, Black Friday has now become embroiled in a race row, which has rapidly escalated to the point that thousands of discontents are threatening to boycott the yearly capitalist orgy.
“It’s no coincidence that the term black has been chosen for a day where everything is cheap and undervalued and is synonymous with violence. I’m afraid it’s just another case in the long line of examples where the concept of black is being dragged through the mud. Black Hawk Down, Jack Black, Blackpool, the list is simply endless. If we don’t hold people to account for what amounts to nothing less than blatant discrimination, we are never going to be able to move forward as a society and if you can’t see that, you yourself are complicit and less psychologically developed than that brownish-grey gunge haunting your plughole.” Explained Ivana Dogood, a gay Albanian woman with no legs who is currently transitioning into a mongoose, and head of Let’s All Be Inclusive Adults, or LABIA for short, which aims to create a more sensitive global dialogue.
Not everyone on the streets agrees, “It’s Bloody typical. The sodding PC brigade is ruining Britain. The next thing you know you’ll be called racist for blacking up and affecting a thick Jamaican accent whilst performing the banana boat song. It’s disgraceful, it makes my Aryan blood boil and I won’t stand for it.” Ranted a passionate Dean Pigshit. “That’s why I voted Brexit,” he added erroneously.
Ivana has proposed the name be changed to Rainbow Day, to reflect a friendlier stance towards all human beings, no matter their peculiarities, and because the promotional material will look fabulous.
Her views are not universally accepted though, many argue that she is, in fact, a monumental pain in the arse and there are plenty of other things which we need to be far more worried about.
