Doping Scandal Hits School Sports Days
School sports days have been traumatising youngsters for generations.
Governing body, Minors Organised Leisure Entertainment and Sports Trust, or MOLEST for short, have revealed widespread doping offences across a broad range of events. Thousands of samples have been tested from the soiled underwear of competitors, thoughtfully stored by school caretakers in their bedside drawers, and the results have sent shockwaves across the world.
MOLEST spokesperson Daniel Nonce cut a solemn figure when announcing the findings live on Newsround. Fighting back the tears, he stated, “It is with great sadness that I must reveal that this fantastic sport, that we all love so much, has been tainted. We have found evidence of a bewildering array of banned substances being consumed on a massive scale, including such nefarious substances as Irn-bru, Push-Pops, and, I’m ashamed to say, even Flying Saucers.”
Historical results from events such as the three-legged race, wheelbarrow race, and even the prestigious egg and spoon race have been thrown into turmoil and the arduous task of medal re-allocation is under way.
Crispin Bartholomew Smitherington-Smithe III is one such beneficiary, having been retrospectively awarded first, second and third prize in the Chiltern Hills Boarding School for Boys under 7s sack race, after the rest of the field was disqualified having tested positive for Sherbet Dip-Dabs.
Reflecting on the events, he said, “Frankly I think it’s a bloody disgrace. For years I thought I wasn’t good enough, only to now find out they were all doped up to their eyeballs, the cheating bastards. It’s been a real kick in the danglies. They’ve robbed me of my moment. It’s all very well addressing it now, but that won’t bring back the years of self-doubt and alcoholism. On the plus side, it is a very fetching trophy.”
Mr. Nonce made efforts to assure people this issue would be tackled. “I don’t know anyone who would want to live in a world where watching young children running around in tiny shorts, balancing a testicle shaped ovum on an eating implement, makes them feel like they are partaking in something sordid. But sadly, that is what it has come to. Let me reassure you that MOLEST will not cease until we have stamped out this insidious curse and restored the dignity of the sport.”
Dr. Cocks, a psychologist specialising in thrusting his unwanted opinion in people’s faces, believes these types of scandal have wider-reaching implications. “We’ve got athletes injecting T-Rex DNA, cyclists blood doping from ostriches, and now this. All these figures that people have looked up to and idolised exposed as frauds means people have lost their trust. Rather like a child tugging angrily on his own willy because everything he thought he knew was a lie, the public have reacted by voting for Brexit and electing Trump. It’s classic self-harming behaviour.”
It’s unclear whether School Sports Days will ever again hit the dizzying heights of yesteryear, when it was regularly drawing crowds of up to 87 people. What we do know is, playing fields, previously rocking to the sound of inebriated dads objecting furiously to their unceremonious evictions by the PE teacher, will fall eerily silent. At least for the time being.
