Crisismass: Elf and Safety Disgrace
The yuletide spirit.
Christmas is traditionally the time of year that families get together to argue and exchange ill thought out and superfluous material tokens of their supposed affection, but unfortunately the yuletide story isn’t so glamorous for everyone. The origin of our future charity shop donations is seldom considered, but explosive new revelations have shed light on the full extent of suffering caused by this festive fiasco.
One elf, disguised as a Christmas pudding to protect his identity, bravely came forward to lift the lid on atrocious workplace conditions, despite receiving a death threat detailing how they would shove a bauble in his anus, roast him for three hours at gas mark 5 until his juices run clear before pairing him with a delightful sautéed winter vegetable collection, smothering him in gravy and feeding him to the reindeer.
Understandably perturbed by the whole experience, he stated, “Santa forces us to call him Herr Claus – Christmas Overlord. He’s constantly pissed and scoffing mince pies down like a lunatic. Frankly it’s a miracle he hasn’t succumbed to diabetes-related complications.”
Working twenty-three-hour days they are refused toilet breaks and must soil themselves at their workstation only to be forced to pay for a replacement uniform, often as much as three months wages for the diminutive labourers.
Christmas pudding elf went on, “We’re forced to wear these horribly revealing tights and of course whenever Santa is passing, he just so happens to accidentally drop something which we have to bend over to pick up for him. He claims he can’t reach down that far with his enormous protruding gut but I’m not buying it. Some of his conduct and the language he uses is appalling but he just ho-ho-hos it off as banter. It’s as if he thinks he’s untouchable.”
The elves are regularly subjected to deplorable bouts of sexual aggression from the supposedly Saintly Nicholas. Among the litany of accusations are the former head of operations saying he threatened to “come down her chimney” in a heated argument during a delivery logistics meeting, demanding to “empty his sack” on an unsuspecting intern, and offering to “leave a present” in the stocking of the receptionist on her first day at the job. Refusal to comply with his demands would leave them ostracised and placed on the naughty list for an entire year.
Morale is at a devastating all-time low and to compound their misery the radio plays Christmas songs on an endless loop. One poor soul was found hanging from a rope fashioned out of tinsel after the eighteenth repeat of Cliff Richard’s ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ that day proved too much for him.
Daniel Midgetwrangler represents Corporations United for Noel Tidings Season, otherwise known as CUNTS, who took over Christmas when it became clear no one gave a toss about the Jesus angle anymore. Unsympathetic to their cause, he said, “The toilet allegations are scandalous, there’s a corner with a bucket in which they are welcome to shit and if they can’t handle the hours then we’ll simply outsource the work to Bangladeshi children. This is a business we are running for Christ’s sake, not some sodding day care centre. They should be grateful we’ve saved them from a life of freezing their bollocks off.”
Father Christmas was unavailable for comment due to a prior commitment to appear at Basingstoke’s Festival Place shopping centre, just outside Zara.
The full repercussions are as yet unclear, but perhaps next time we get stuck into our 8 a.m. Baileys on Christmas Day, we should spare a thought for the poor sods slaving away at North Pole HQ.
