FSA Expands Animal Slaughter Methods to Satisfy Demand
Mmm, yummy carcasses.
Last night the FSA announced ambitious plans to introduce a broader range of animal slaughtering methods to UK customers. The rising popularity of Kosher and Halal meat has led to an increasing demand for more variety in unnecessarily specific and unusual ways of delivering death.
“Consumers now expect a greater level of choice and we think it’s only fair to bow to their ridiculous demands.” Explained Anthony Pigletrapist. When quizzed on his vision for the future, he stated “It is my dream that by 2022 everyone will be able to buy a hung, drawn, and quartered chicken at their local supermarket.”
Basil Brightcock was one of the first farmers to capitalise on this trend. He has been training his cattle herd to commit suicide through harikiri when signalled by an airhorn. “At the moment, we are training them up using wooden swords but I’m not going to lie, it has been a challenge. They can’t grip them properly what with having hooves and all, and if I’m honest, they’re stupid bastards,” he stated.
Though one particular Norfolk-based meat purveyor has a long history of beating turkeys to death with baseball bats, more and more food producers are now jumping on the bandwagon to find the most creative agents of slaughter. Asda have announced plans to release a range of pork products, put to death by 1000 cuts, Lidl are launching the crucified seafood selection, and Waitrose have obtained a licence to begin forcing lambs to walk the plank.
Long term there are plans to introduce a kill it yourself option, with a menagerie of weaponry to pick from. Featuring an arsenal of ancient, medieval and modern instruments of war, the consumer would make their choice before battling their chosen farm animal to the death in the octagon. Purists would have the chance to simply opt for fisticuffs instead.
Mr. Pigletrapist believes it is not simply the range but also the quality of meat that is improved “When an animal is scared you can really taste it, it brings a unique flavour. As they void their bowels as well, it minimises the contamination of faeces when hacking them into little pieces. Environmental concerns are paramount, there is no wastage at all as the excrement is gathered up and used for the economy sausages.”
Vegans and vegetarians are up in arms but unfortunately don’t have the strength to get out of bed and do anything about it. A Government spokesman said “We don’t give a toss what they think anyway. There’s no place for those lefty twats and their cry-baby ideals in the current political climate.”
