London Man Swipes His Way Into Record Books

Erm, yeah, anyway.

In what has rightly been described as a “momentous achievement”, Derek Grudge, 46, has been confirmed as the first person in history to complete popular dating app Tinder.

Speaking from his hospital bed, having been admitted for nervous exhaustion, severe RSI, and third-degree cock-chafe, Mr. Grudge said “I’m really proud of my achievement. I’ve poured literally years of my life into this at the expense of my career and everyone I have ever loved, but to now have completed it makes the loneliness and destitution worthwhile.”

Mr. Grudge may well consider himself unlucky, having received a paltry one match during his endeavour. Unfortunately, the joy proved to be short-lived when it turned out the match was in fact a Russian bot which subsequently defrauded him of his life savings, having spent £21,000 on sex cams in a bid to woo her.

“I really thought Ivana Suckuoff was the one, so naturally I was devastated when I found out she was computer code generated fiction. On reflection I should have been suspicious that a nubile creature of sane mind would show any interest in me whatsoever, but you live and learn. Of course, it would have been nice to get a match with an actual human being, but you can’t have everything in life,” mused a melancholic Mr. Grudge from his hospital bed.

Eyebrows were raised, with many claiming it would be statistically impossible for Mr. Grudge to fail in generating a single genuine match during his quest. This suspicion has led to some quarters calling foul on Mr. Grudge’s achievements. In a bid to settle the matter, an independent enquiry was later launched, which, after crunching the numbers, confirmed that he is in fact a sinfully ugly bastard and not to be touched with a barge-pole.

Ricky Figueroa of Pointless Surveys explains. “We took to the streets to get the public’s view on Mr. Grudge’s appearance. Most participants ran away screaming and clawing at their eyes, but of those that did respond we found that 89% would rather be permanently scarred in an acid attack than go on a single date with him. We therefore think it is safe to say his achievement is genuine.”

It has been calculated that Derek spent at least 15,000 hours swiping in his pursuit of a partner. He is widely regarded to have wasted his life.